If you feed me, do I not gain weight?

staying fit is hard. when you are tall and alone and have to go on dates with food, and pretty much spend a lot of time huntched over a desk with a book or laptop, or on the sofa watching syfy, weight is hard.

Eating right... it's hard. People are all "oh no it's so easy" well I have a bad relationship with food so there. And as Christopher Titus said in "Love is Evol"... no one falls in love at first sight with your personality. And since I live in a land filled with pretty skinny people (seriously, all the married girls I know are hot to trot even if their hubbys are larger. You see loads of single sad big girls like me, but no big sad guys.)

Girls are often willing to date down with looks. Guys, not so much. And a lot of those that do, are actually dating "up". Yeah. I can be shallow just like everyone.

I recently discovered a taco join.... their queso may be the best ever.... their breakfast tacos are super yummy (breakfast and tacos= yum). They are so growing on me.... and by growing I mean making my jeans tighter and my wallet lighter.

A sorry combo if ever there was.

I am sick of fad diets and weight watchers and lean cuisines and lindora and atkins and south beach and everything else I have tried, loved and then fell off of.

If anyone ever reads this and comments "well work out more" I force myself to go to the gym 4-6 times a week and run/walk/jog up an incline on the treadmill for 40 or more min. Yeah, sometimes it's just 30 if I am running late (work outs for me have to include set time to shower and not be stinky. I sweat like a dude) or sometimes I'll only do 4 days instead of 6. But I am there, always trying. So don't tell me to workout or I will cut you.

So that's my rant. It's kind of date related right? Mostly cause all the guys on the sites talk about how much they love to workout be outdoors and be healthy and date healthy skinny (but big busted) ladies.

Bah.... and now I want an apple... with peanut butter.

really??

Tonight I went with my married friends to a honky tonk (that's a dancing place with lots of country music). I had a pretty darn good time, my two guy friends asked me to dance in between dancing with their ladies. It was fun to people watch and two-step (well, I tried, the guys pretty much flung me around and cracked up when the discovered when I am dipped I involuntarily squeak). But as a tall chick of 26 (almost 27.. gasp) most of the guys there were too short, too young or too with someone to catch my eye.

So the nights going fine and then some skinny weathered older dude comes up taps my shoulder and asks me to dance, i shrug and say "sure" after all, I had seen him dancing with a few other girls that night and he was pretty good (not very creepy, just ya know, an old dude at a honky tonk). I like to dance even if I am not very good.

So he starts doing this super complicated twisty turn step and I'm all "THAT'S NOT WHAT THE OTHER GUYS DID WHAT ARE WE DOING I'M DIZZY". Seriously. My thoughts were in all caps even.

So he leads me across the dance floor once , the song is hardly to the first chrous when he walks me off the dance floor says "I'm going to go find someone else. But" pats me on the shoulder in a pity type move "thanks anyways". He then walks off.

So I'm there stadning kinda stunned in front of the band.

Creepy (yes. NOW he is creepy) weathered older skinny short dude just gave me the brush off. I walk back to my friends a bit dazed and when they come back they asked why I look confused and I tell them.

Their response was pretty much just jaw drops and "no.. really? REALLY?"

Turns out all men are not southern gents. But my guy friends were great sports and great dancers and the ladies are super keen to hang out with.


Also, showed them the last three people Cupid matched me with. Two were super scary looking with super scary profiles and short. One guy looked normal, had  cute pics and then I noticed.... he was 5'4". Sorry, at 5'11" and a few cm that's a big ol no. Why can't I just filter out everyone under 5'8". The gang was horrified at the people that were being matched to me.

But on the bright side.... some fun dancing AND I saw Underworld 4 before that with my bro. All and all..... a decent night.

Cupid is not OK

I'm on the cupid.

And it's so abysmal I could cry. One of the guys they matched me with, we shall also call him Wilbur has THIS as his "you should message me if" note

"If you are tall, slender or skinny, and you have a nice rack. I can share my experience, so you can grow spiritually and enjoy a good party."

Really dude? Have you seen your pic? Oh wait, you can't, because you used a self portrait done in charcoal.

Update and a new set of Wilburs

A few months ago I up and moved back to my home state for grad school. I promptly decided to be stupid and sign up for an online dating service... again.

Let me tell you how one of the Wilbur dates went..


He used the word "Esoteric" to describe everything he liked. EVERYTHING. He used the word 17 times in the span of one meal.

I counted.

Esoteric- understood by or meant for only the select few who have special knowledge or interest; recondite: poetry full of esoteric allusions.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/esoteric 

In the words of Inigo Montoyo "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

Another Wilbur had super Photoshopped his photo to remove any and all potmarks and skin issues, was skinny as a chair, and had added a good three inches to his height. I' 5'11" so when you claim to be 6'1" you sure as HELL better be 6'1" or I will be able to tell, cause out of wariness I always wear flats or my shortest boots (only a 1/2 inch adjustment to my height which brings me to around 6 feet).

Needles to say both Wilbur dates in my new city ended with "yeah so.. umm BYE" and my running away. I live in an area full of restaurants and stores so I can walk to a place meet them and then run away home without them ever getting to know where I live. It's my anti stalker plan. That and mace.

Had a guy who was 5'1" message me on one of the sites and his letter said "hey your tall and sexy, let's do something"... and yes, he used the wrong version of "you're". Cannot say I have never done the same (ok, I have done that quite often.) but when sending a (poor imitation) of a come on letter, at least use semi proper grammar!

And while I am not 100% opposed to dating someone slightly shorter then I am, there is a friggin minimum height to ride this ride buddy. And you are about 8 inches off!!

Thus far looking for love in the new city is dead end. My few friends here are all married couples. Who have all married friends. Well, married or engaged. All the guys are around my age or older, and their wives/soon to be wives are all younger and way shorter. When we stand in a group I can see over all their pretty little heads and look their hubbys in the eye, or at least the face as they glance adoringly down at their little women.

Am I a bit jell? Yes, yes I am. But for most of them, I am happy they found someone. It's all "wooo" but I do wish they had left some of the tall ones for us tall ladies. When asking one, a former bf at that, if he knew any single guys, he insisted he did. He stood thinking before his lovely wife (whom i adore and think he deff scored on landing such a fine lady) patted him on the stomach, moved past him and said "no you don't". She was very sad they had no single friends, but the steam staring to rise from her hubbys ears as he struggled to think of an impossible thing was starting to worry us both.


Le sigh. Also, it seems every guy in my new city loves working out, being outdoors and dogs. Now I like dogs, but I have two cats and the giant scary poodles pictured on some guys profiles gives me visions of my poor kittens dangling in their mouths like chew toys. Or how angry the guys would get when my fluffy kittens beat up their teacup.

But I love room temperature. And you know where it is room temperature? IN A ROOM! And I hate working out. I drag myself screaming and crying to the gym and force myself to walk at a brisk pace for 20-45 min depending on how long I think it will take me to then wash my hair.... and how many shows I have on my ipad2 (horribly low wifi so no hulu or netflix first world problem). The only working out I enjoy is punk rope (no class in Austin that I can find and I don't own a jump rope nor have the room for it) hula hooping (have the hoop, but no room and miss my darling teacher Choppy) or roller skating (which isn't so much a workout as it is me flailing about in a circle)


In reality I work out because my mom is now in better shape then I am and can walk for longer and we have a 5K we are walking together in feb. And I want to be able to fit back into my skinny jeans which holiday emotion eating have rendered a bit tight.


Ok, enough update. More dating stories to come as long as grad school allows. Promise... kinda. Next time may just be old stories from childhood. I have a great one about not being kissed.

Wilbur 2- or Spay and neuter your pets

Wilbur and I meet up at a coffee house for the first time. He is late. Very very late and never calls to let me know this. 30 min in, I’ve already enjoyed my hot peppermint tea and am getting ready to head out, but the chair is comfty and the book I brought is getting to the good part.

Just as the good part is getting really really GOOD a guy walks in matching the pic from the EH.

And his nostrils are HUGE!

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good strong nose (I’m Jewish, it’s hardwired into me). But this guys nostrils are huge and… drippy. He has a cold. I feel kinda bad cause we have all been there and I don’t want to judge but…. He didn’t bring tissues so the whole date I just KNOW he is going to be sniffle city sucking it back for some major postnasal drip.

Ew.

We hug, it’s awkward (I blame the hugs on myself. I am a hugger. Hugs are good.). See, we both got into that hug handshake loop where you are not sure what to do and end up in an awkward hug because well, you’ve both gone in for it once so why not. We laugh it off, sit down then the hops up to go get himself a drink.

SO we chat, he’s nice enough, works in a boring sector of law that I don’t quite understand but I nod and mmmhmmm my way through him discussing why it’s soooo interesting and how can they expect him to work more and then we get to the topic of pets.. somehow.

I have two cats (I know I know, crazy cat lady gonna never have sex again). He has a whippet. He finds it strange that I know the breed. One of my best girls in college had two of them. I like the breed well enough but prefer less hyper stressed skinny dogs.

Somehow the topic of tags and legal city ordinances come up. Turns out he thinks it’s silly that he has to pay more for a dog license because he refuses to get his dog fixed. Because he says he doesn’t want to pay to get him fixed. So what if his dog humps people and furniture, it’s not hurting anyone. He hardly ever humps other dogs so it’s fine.

Yeah.. uh-huh… fine… sure….

We go for a walk along the boardwalk and talk. He keeps doing that “put hands on the girl and steer her through people traffic like a gentleman” which would be charming…. Had there been people to steer me around. It was just like “Errr I can walk… you don’t have to steer me around air.”

Personal bubble was really pushed with this guy.

The talk was vanilla, and I tried to explain my love of roller derby and told him how the next weekend I was really excited because I was working a position on the ref team I had never done before but had been working hard to do. He asked if we could do lunch and I said maybe the week after because I had to get to the track early. I had set up/volunteer work/prep to do.

We made small talk galore (weather… it was nice.. politics, well he talked about that, I had and have no opinion… movies, we agreed on a few… air, we both enjoy it keeping us alive) and then we went back to my car. He had ridden a bike. He didn’t think it was funny that I didn’t know how to ride one. He said it was really sad… Like he felt really sorry for me and everything.

We exchange pleasantries, say maybe we can hang out again, less awkward hug. I find a ticket on my car because apparently I had paid for the wrong space on the electronic meter hub… I hate those with a vengeance.

I would rate this date: Vanilla. Not as boring as the first Wilbur, and he was “nice” but there was little chemistry.

I get an email later that week from him asking me to a hockey game. Now I love Hockey, it’s two of my fav teams. But it’s on the day I told him I had Derby so I tell him would love to but rain check, I have stuff.

He gets uppity and tells me it’s not a big deal for me to be late to derby, it’s just a game.

Ummmmmmmm

No.

Flaring Nostrils Wilbur just got points taken off his already low score.

Don’t tell me to skip something that I told you was important to me for a second date. You were not that impressive. And I made a commitment. What kind of guy asks someone they just met to skip something just to see them?

Flaring nostrils Wilbur did not get another response. I hope he recovered from his cold and found a personality.

And got his dog fixed.

Wilbur #1

Wilbur, the first of the 2011 Wilburs and I set up a meet at a coffee shop in a mall. Not a normal coffee shop, the one attached to the Nordies. So it’s more overpriced.

Maybe they charge extra for the so hot it burnt off half my tongue water.

 Turns out Wilbur and I went to the same college…. But he graduated in 99… whereas I graduated from MIDDLE SCHOOL in 99. Yeah, that’s right. Age isn’t really a thing, but I will admit it weirded  me out to here him talk about graduating and not wanting this new fangled school “email” thing. I had already had an e-mail address for 3 years by the time he graduated.

Yeah.

Wilbur was a failed movie score composer. He worked in the back of a corporate billing office now. He would not stop talking about various composers and when I brought up one or two score composers I actually knew and liked, he made a face and said “ughh I hate them. It’s just noise not art” and when I said it set a great mood he said “yeah, NOISE mood”.

Other then this little bit of bitchy the date was errr beige? Tan? Not even Vanilla, just a nondescript beige. Just… meh.

There is nothing worse then a dull first date. The convo was not stimulating, the guy had obviously put up pics from ages and ages ago (5 years a whole lot of weight and skin damage ago), and the most interesting thing about the date was waiting for his late ass to get to the outdoor courtyard, because I got to read a chapter of my very thrilling book.

He said he’d call me. He did not. I don’t know if I should be grateful or insulted that he found me just as uninteresting.

I’m going to go with grateful and be glad

Words of Wisdom (or lack thereof)

Random

Me- So how about we get dinner on Tuesday

Guy- Oh, I can’t. Tuesday is my night to write poetry.


Wisdom

"No matter how careful you are, you can end up pregnant. That's what sex is designed to do after all. So, never sleep with someone who is mean or stupid, and ugly, because all three may breed true." - Merideth Gentry in Laurell K. Hamilton's A Kiss of Shadows

Things never to say to a girl in a bar

Can you give your friends my number?
You make me feel short.
Are you Jewish, cause your nose is very Jewish?
Hey, your friends are hot, are they single?

Things never to say to your girlfriend

From long distance boyfriend, Henry- "let's have a contest to see who can lose the most weight by the next time we see each other"

Things to say that will ensure you don't get any

"those condoms are from my last girlfriend"- Gary
"Wow...one of your boobs is bigger then the other. I thought that was an urban myth!"- Finn

"How bout tonight, after dinner…. We shave my head?"- Ian