Wilbur 2- or Spay and neuter your pets

Wilbur and I meet up at a coffee house for the first time. He is late. Very very late and never calls to let me know this. 30 min in, I’ve already enjoyed my hot peppermint tea and am getting ready to head out, but the chair is comfty and the book I brought is getting to the good part.

Just as the good part is getting really really GOOD a guy walks in matching the pic from the EH.

And his nostrils are HUGE!

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good strong nose (I’m Jewish, it’s hardwired into me). But this guys nostrils are huge and… drippy. He has a cold. I feel kinda bad cause we have all been there and I don’t want to judge but…. He didn’t bring tissues so the whole date I just KNOW he is going to be sniffle city sucking it back for some major postnasal drip.

Ew.

We hug, it’s awkward (I blame the hugs on myself. I am a hugger. Hugs are good.). See, we both got into that hug handshake loop where you are not sure what to do and end up in an awkward hug because well, you’ve both gone in for it once so why not. We laugh it off, sit down then the hops up to go get himself a drink.

SO we chat, he’s nice enough, works in a boring sector of law that I don’t quite understand but I nod and mmmhmmm my way through him discussing why it’s soooo interesting and how can they expect him to work more and then we get to the topic of pets.. somehow.

I have two cats (I know I know, crazy cat lady gonna never have sex again). He has a whippet. He finds it strange that I know the breed. One of my best girls in college had two of them. I like the breed well enough but prefer less hyper stressed skinny dogs.

Somehow the topic of tags and legal city ordinances come up. Turns out he thinks it’s silly that he has to pay more for a dog license because he refuses to get his dog fixed. Because he says he doesn’t want to pay to get him fixed. So what if his dog humps people and furniture, it’s not hurting anyone. He hardly ever humps other dogs so it’s fine.

Yeah.. uh-huh… fine… sure….

We go for a walk along the boardwalk and talk. He keeps doing that “put hands on the girl and steer her through people traffic like a gentleman” which would be charming…. Had there been people to steer me around. It was just like “Errr I can walk… you don’t have to steer me around air.”

Personal bubble was really pushed with this guy.

The talk was vanilla, and I tried to explain my love of roller derby and told him how the next weekend I was really excited because I was working a position on the ref team I had never done before but had been working hard to do. He asked if we could do lunch and I said maybe the week after because I had to get to the track early. I had set up/volunteer work/prep to do.

We made small talk galore (weather… it was nice.. politics, well he talked about that, I had and have no opinion… movies, we agreed on a few… air, we both enjoy it keeping us alive) and then we went back to my car. He had ridden a bike. He didn’t think it was funny that I didn’t know how to ride one. He said it was really sad… Like he felt really sorry for me and everything.

We exchange pleasantries, say maybe we can hang out again, less awkward hug. I find a ticket on my car because apparently I had paid for the wrong space on the electronic meter hub… I hate those with a vengeance.

I would rate this date: Vanilla. Not as boring as the first Wilbur, and he was “nice” but there was little chemistry.

I get an email later that week from him asking me to a hockey game. Now I love Hockey, it’s two of my fav teams. But it’s on the day I told him I had Derby so I tell him would love to but rain check, I have stuff.

He gets uppity and tells me it’s not a big deal for me to be late to derby, it’s just a game.

Ummmmmmmm

No.

Flaring Nostrils Wilbur just got points taken off his already low score.

Don’t tell me to skip something that I told you was important to me for a second date. You were not that impressive. And I made a commitment. What kind of guy asks someone they just met to skip something just to see them?

Flaring nostrils Wilbur did not get another response. I hope he recovered from his cold and found a personality.

And got his dog fixed.

Wilbur #1

Wilbur, the first of the 2011 Wilburs and I set up a meet at a coffee shop in a mall. Not a normal coffee shop, the one attached to the Nordies. So it’s more overpriced.

Maybe they charge extra for the so hot it burnt off half my tongue water.

 Turns out Wilbur and I went to the same college…. But he graduated in 99… whereas I graduated from MIDDLE SCHOOL in 99. Yeah, that’s right. Age isn’t really a thing, but I will admit it weirded  me out to here him talk about graduating and not wanting this new fangled school “email” thing. I had already had an e-mail address for 3 years by the time he graduated.

Yeah.

Wilbur was a failed movie score composer. He worked in the back of a corporate billing office now. He would not stop talking about various composers and when I brought up one or two score composers I actually knew and liked, he made a face and said “ughh I hate them. It’s just noise not art” and when I said it set a great mood he said “yeah, NOISE mood”.

Other then this little bit of bitchy the date was errr beige? Tan? Not even Vanilla, just a nondescript beige. Just… meh.

There is nothing worse then a dull first date. The convo was not stimulating, the guy had obviously put up pics from ages and ages ago (5 years a whole lot of weight and skin damage ago), and the most interesting thing about the date was waiting for his late ass to get to the outdoor courtyard, because I got to read a chapter of my very thrilling book.

He said he’d call me. He did not. I don’t know if I should be grateful or insulted that he found me just as uninteresting.

I’m going to go with grateful and be glad

Words of Wisdom (or lack thereof)

Random

Me- So how about we get dinner on Tuesday

Guy- Oh, I can’t. Tuesday is my night to write poetry.


Wisdom

"No matter how careful you are, you can end up pregnant. That's what sex is designed to do after all. So, never sleep with someone who is mean or stupid, and ugly, because all three may breed true." - Merideth Gentry in Laurell K. Hamilton's A Kiss of Shadows

Things never to say to a girl in a bar

Can you give your friends my number?
You make me feel short.
Are you Jewish, cause your nose is very Jewish?
Hey, your friends are hot, are they single?

Things never to say to your girlfriend

From long distance boyfriend, Henry- "let's have a contest to see who can lose the most weight by the next time we see each other"

Things to say that will ensure you don't get any

"those condoms are from my last girlfriend"- Gary
"Wow...one of your boobs is bigger then the other. I thought that was an urban myth!"- Finn

"How bout tonight, after dinner…. We shave my head?"- Ian

Wilbur, Guy and Fake Names

Just a quick FYI, to protect the innocent, the not so innocent and the just plain stupid I have used fake names for all the men folk in my stories.

Every boyfriend has a pre-assigned pseudonym. All random guy encounters will go by the name GUY. All internet dates/meet ups are WILBUR. Should these Guy’s and Wilbur’s be deemed reoccurring enough they will get a fake name all their very own. So be on the look out for Guy and Wilbur stories. Sometimes the Guy’s and Wilbur’s will get adjectives.

Maybe one day I’ll find the right Guy or Wilbur who I can give a fake name too and never have to come up with a fake name again… le sigh. One can only dream.

Also, I have never met a Wilbur but I know a guy in real life whos name is Guy… He is not in any of these stories.

First Loves and Ghostbusters

I have not had very many significant others, but  have “crushed” a lot. But to protect the innocent (and the not so much) I shall be using the pseudonyms’.

First up, Adam.

My preK love. Most of us had one, that childhood significant other. Ya know, your moms and dads joke that you are going to get married, that you “boyyyyfriend” is here etc etc. It’s all just a playful way of preparing you for the life of them embarrassing you in front of potential dates.

He lived near by and we went to kinder care together. He had very pretty brown eyes.

I used to chase him on the playground and try to get a kiss. He was rather unimpressed by my speed and instead used to grimace and try and shimmy away.

We used to play ghostbusters. Well, we tried. He would tell me how the girl had to answer the phones and I countered with the very mature stealing of his proton pack and demanding to kill ghosts.

His grandmother made the most beautiful sleeping beauty costume. It was passed on to my sister, and two cousins… but then his mom had to go and have a daughter and the free costume train stopped.

But back to Adam. Adam was adorable. He was good looking, funny, he had the best set of ninja turtle toys. We were best friends. He was Indian Jones to my sleeping beauty. We trick r treated together, rode bikes together… well, he rode, I would watch and then maybe try to lasso him, and generally provided a way for our mothers to have time off by dumping one of us at the others house.

Everything was all well and good until his family moved away. Not very far away mind you, just two neighborhoods over, but enough for us to go to different schools. Between that and that whole cooties thing our love was doomed.

My worst qualities

I have posted profiles on numerous online dating sites. And many of them ask "what is your worst quality". This is a hard question to answer.

So how’s this sound

I play stupid facebook games

I have horrible spelling and grammar and mispronounce an abundance of words because I have issues with phonetics…. Also I have problems with commas, apostrophes and the use of “to” and “too”

I have a book buying addiction

I have been dyeing my hair for so long I don’t really know what the real color is anymore

I have two cats and I let them sleep in the bed with me… and I think psychologically I have them because I want/need to nurture something living.

I claim to diet because I want to be healthy but really I want to be a size 8 and wear skanky clothes

I watch far too much TV, a lot of it cheesy bad stuff

I sometimes think I’m still in love with my ex but cannot get back with him because the relationship is far too damaged now and frankly the same reasons for breaking it off still apply.

Or I could just skip that part…. Or “puts others in front of myself”